B. I. Partisan: c 1865 – c 2001

WASHINGTON – Forensic experts have identified the body found on the floor of the House of Representatives earlier today as Mr. B. I. Partisan, late of Washington DC.

Mr. Partisan, through his long and colourful life, was admired and revered by all. He was famous for his appearances in the corridors of power and welcomed by members of both parties.

Sadly, Mr. Partisan disappeared from public life sometime in November 2000. Investigators believe he was abducted about the time of his disappearance by violent religious extremists intent on destabilising the US government and held hostage in an as-yet undisclosed location.

Medical examiners have placed his date of death on or about October 26, 2001. Initially investigators assumed that either the corpse was booby-trapped or that Mr. Partisan had been killed as part of a terrorist plot, but subsequent examination determined that the object on the body which sparked the initial concerns was merely a segment of HVAC ducting.

The authorities at the scene were surprised by the find: “He’d obviously been there some time in that decomposed state,” said one detective. “I’m surprised nobody in the chamber noticed the smell.”

Mr. Partisan is survived by a niece, Nona Partisan, a career social worker, and I. M. Partisan, an attorney with a prominent Washington-based PAC. Ms. Partisan declined to be interviewed. Of his uncle, Mr. Partisan said only “We feared the worst for some time. It’s good to finally have closure. He will be missed, but he’s gone. Now we have to look to the future.”